COMEDY ISN’T PRETTY

Preliminary Explanation: This is the first article the author ever published on a blog, and it was before the word had been coined. It’s here as a lesson in writing humor, for inspiration, and because what the heck, we all need a break from serious study once in a while.

By Steve Fey

I went out this morning –

My Lexus was flat –

I been retainin’ water

And I’m feelin’ pretty fat!

Oh, Lord, I tell ya,

I don’t know what I’m gonna do:

I got the Suburban Cul-de-sac,

Big kitchen in the back blues!

I wrote this song about the world I’m living in. It’s a philosophical song. So, that makes this a column about music and philosophy. It’s a sad song, really. Most comedy is. You think Mark Twain wasn’t consumed by guilt over that cat and medicine incident? Yeah. That’s the was it is in the humor game. You feel pain. You ache. You belabor a point but it doesn’t help. It’s ugly. Comedy.

I went out last Wednesday –

Took a look at my lawn –

Crabgrass just took over:

All my bluegrass was gone!

All that poison fertilizer!

Who knew what it was gonna do?

I got those Suburban Cul-de-sac,

Badminton ‘round the back blues!

I feel guilty all the time. I’m guilty that I’m who I am. I confess. I’m me. I had an ancestor who landed in Virginia with Captain Smith. True story. And he was an idiot, looking for gold in a swamp. Think my ancestors ever supported the slave trade? Of course not. That’d make me feel guilty. Or maybe they were nasty to the natives? Never! Too much guilt. I can’t stand it. His name was Powell. Ever hear of an African American named Powell? Who got that name how? Life’s hard. Comedy is harder.

You think comedians have it easy? You think Chris Rock is kidding about growing up on the floor? Or Bill Cosby was kidding when he used to talk about his crazy father? No, they aren’t. If only you knew. Oh, we laugh and enjoy their pain because we don’t know. We don’t know. The blues may be the ultimate in comedic composition.

‘Bout a month ‘go last Tuesday –

I was feelin’ pretty good –

‘Til I saw who was movin’

Into my neighborhood!

They’re gonna lower

All the standardized scores down at my school!

I got those Suburban Cul-de-sac,

Covenants front and back blues!

But, it’s OK. I don’t need your sympathy, even if I am funny. Heck, funny people are tough! You try putting up with years of ridicule from schoolmates without laughing about it. Try being told by your teacher that you are “too much talk, not enough action.” See where that leaves you. Who’s talking now, fifth grade teacher George Kingsmore? Not you anymore, I’ll bet! So there! Life has its compensations. Scott Adams, who draws Dilbert, is nowhere near as rich as, say, Bill Gates. But he says what he means and wants to say, and he’s probably a lot richer than you or me. That’s compensation. That’s revenge. Yeah. We get what’s ours. Because it’s comedy. Because comedy is tough and dirty.

You may laugh at my story –

You may smile at my song –

But if you’re payin’ attention,

You won’t be smilin’ long!

There’s just no tellin’

Where this old world is goin’ to.

I got those Suburban Cul-de-sac,

Bad times are comin’ back blues!

The song quoted herein is Suburban Cul-de-Sac Blues, by Steve Fey, copyright 1998. Don’t even think of reprinting it without permission of the author! I’m a humor writer. I can be nasty. We all can be. See what I mean? I live in the suburbs. I’ve got a lawnmower, and I know how to use it. Life is tough. Guilt is everywhere. Comedy. It isn’t pretty.

 

Want more of Steve? You can check his blog at stevefey.com, or look for him on Facebook, Twitter and other social media.

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